You're crazy if you think just half your love could ever please me...

That friend I mentioned in the last post sent me a message tonight reminding me of the somewhat racy pictures I once sent him as a birthday gift. He's kept them for several years now and continues to look at them on occasion, despite now being in a committed relationship. I fail to see the point in bringing these pictures up, but such is my life, where men like to remind me what could have been and how it is somehow my fault that it wasn't. He ended our chat saying that he was going to go think about the pictures some more and what could have been, at which point I reminded him that he had had many chances.

A similar situation came up a few months back, when someone that I can pretty safely say I've been in love with for years basically told me that it was my fault things didn't work out between us. There's a whole long story behind it, but essentially he said I made him feel inadequate and he just couldn't get past it. I had apologized for said situation many times and had tried my best to repair our relationship but he refused to acknowledge my attempts. So although I can look at logically and say, how was it my fault? He knows me well enough to know that I would play into his guilt trip and would beat myself up for "ruining" what I had wanted for so many years.

So I'm a mistress, I'm a martyr of sorts...what other labels can we throw at me? Apparently girlfriend just doesn't fit.

Substitute or Mistress?

Thinking about this substitute idea a little more, I've started to wonder if maybe "substitute" is just a less offensive, more appeasing way of saying "mistress?" When I think about the men that have been in my life, many of them have been involved with another (whether to my knowledge or not) when they have started showing interest in me.

A good example is a friend of mine that only seems to show interest when he's in another relationship. Our first flirtation began when his relationship with a past girlfriend was on the rocks. We began talking daily and flirting just as often. When things ended with his girlfriend, I assumed that I was next in line. I was sadly mistaken. Once he was available, our conversations began to dwindle and I soon found out that he was dating someone new, that obviously wasn't me. This cycle has continued for several years now with no end in sight.

I've also had a few men show interest when they are in seemingly committed relationships, such as my older brother's married friend who sent me a flirty message around Christmas, and a friend's brother that I shamefully hooked up with despite knowing that he was in an "open relationship." 

So what I want to know is: What is it about me that screams "mistress?" What makes men think that I would be more than happy to be their girl on the side but not think of me as girlfriend material? I realize that I have played into some of these scenarios, but I have not been the instigator. There has to be something that suggests that I'm "here for a good time" and nothing more, but I have no idea what that thing is.

The Substitute Person

Have you ever felt like the substitute person? The one that holds the place for someone else until that forever person comes along? After watching "Elizabethtown" again and having it described to me again that way, I'm realizing that's exactly how I feel. Of the few people that I have been with, not one of them has stuck around long enough to see what I'm really about or if we could work out. They don't have to stick around. They already know that I'm just a placeholder until something better comes along. And sometimes I'm okay with that. I like my alone time. I like not always having to answer to someone. But after awhile, it gets lonely spending all your weekends alone and having no one to come home to at the end of the day. 

When your roommate has a boyfriend and two other guys running after her, you have to wonder what you're doing wrong? How do you transition from being the substitute person to the forever person?